Thursday, November 02, 2006

Doo wha? Diddy.

Okay, yes. I have to say it. I can hold it in no longer, I tell you. No LONGER!

What the FUCK!?

First you are Puff Daddy. I don't know what the hell this means, but it sounds really silly. And in England, I'd imagine they got a pretty good laugh over that.

Then you want us to call you Sean "Puffy" Combs. Okay, we're bringing out the real name now, but still saying, "Hey, don't be confused, it's not like I'm changing my name to a symbol, I'm still Puffy in the middle."

Then, P. Diddy. Fee Fie Mo Middy. This is some kind of "street" bastardization of Puff Daddy, I know it must be, but it still makes me want to kill myself.

Now, buddy, you're just Diddy.

Please, for the love of god next time let us call you Poo Doodie. Please?

And all of this name changing...a second rate rapper by any other name still looks like he got knocked dumb by a frying pan.

Can we please take away his money and make it all go away?

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Just one.

People in Canada should stop speaking French. It annoys me. You can call it Quebequois if you want, but it's still just French. And that's all I have to say today.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Don't Bring Me Down, Brooooooose

In the wake of my girlfriend moving in with me, and her ex boyfriend somehow finding his way to town a bit too close for comfort, I present you with the following. Please take note that the role of "new/current girlfriend" in this scenario will be played by yours truly.

Things not to do when you are invited into your ex-girlfriend's new shared apartment with her current girlfriend when said current girlfriend plays roller derby and hits people for fun:

1. Do not feel the need to consistently remind her that you dated her girlfriend first, thus forcing her to actually consider that once upon a time you touched her girlfriend naked.

2. While reminding her of this ineradicable fact, do not (I repeat, do not) continue the process of pouring the last of her wine uninvited into your glass followed by stupid statements. Sample DON'T statement: "Well, it's good we're meeting like this. If I'd run into you randomly it might be intimidating to say, 'Hey I think you're the girl I've seen kissing my exgirlfriend all over the world wide web!" And by the way, I just finished the last of your alcohol."

3. Do not take advantage of your exgirlfriend's current girlfriend's tenuous goodwill by outstaying your welcome. If you come to meet the couple at a bar, don't slide into the booth next to your ex, place your arm behind her casually along the top of the booth, and look somewhat smugly, smirkingly at her current girlfriend as if to dare her to smack the smirk off your face.

4. When your ex and her girlfriend leave the bar briefly to fold laundry at the laundromat next door, don't be a douchebag and finish the last of her drink, thus draining her alcohol for the SECOND DAY IN A FREAKING ROW! @#$%! And by @#$%! I of course mean Douchebag.

5. When, remarkably STILL displaying patience, restraint and goodwill, your ex girlfriend's girlfriend kindly introduces you to her neighbor who might help you get a much desired bag of green, don't spend the entire time in his company speaking negatively like a shitbird about his good friend and neighbor, your ex's current girlfriend, who just did you a big goddamn favor. Because not only does this make you look like a fool for being a cunt to your ex girlfriend, it also makes you look like a king jackass because you don't even know that flapping your gums so rudely all but guarantees that you won't be smoking any more pot for a while because you just blew your connection.

Things maybe you should consider among the lists of DOs:

1. DO admit defeat. Don't tell your ex's current girl's neighbor that moving 6 blocks away from her on the same day she moved to town is "fate." Because the neighbor will rightly interpret "fate" as something that should be pronounced like "stalker."

2. DO recognize....dude, your ex is a lesbian.

3. DO be a man and have some class. Don't puff up like a mating pidgeon, just roll with it. If you hadn't have been such an asshole while you dated her, she might have forgotten that she liked girls for a little longer.

So, in other words, to the dude out there that couldn't hold my girl, thanks for being such a colossal jackass. And as you suggested, yes, being able to share clothes and shoes is indeed a benefit of "this whole gay thing" but not as big a benefit as getting to wake up next to an amazing, gorgeous, hilarious, fantastic woman every day smiling together at the other big benefit...not ever having to date another turd like you.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Who put this douchebag on TV?

I'm reminded of something I read once on fametracker.com. They do these things on there called "fame audits" where they analyze the current level of fame for a "star" as opposed to their deserved level of fame. In Minnie Driver's fame audit (what the fuck hole did she disappear into I wonder without regrets?), the writer asks the spiritually deep question, "Why is Minnie Driver?" And I can't help but apply this here. Why is Greg Behrendt? Why indeed.

Who put this douchebag on TV I ask again?

Apparently his qualifications are that he co-wrote this sledgehammer of self-actualization called "He's Just Not That Into You." Now, first off - I find this highly suspect when it comes to the category of self help manuals. Essentially, he's asking women to tug themselves up by their proverbial boot straps and realize that maybe the dude they're after, just actually thinks that they're a worthless piece of shit. And this, he purports, translates to a heaping steaming pile of "you go girl!" self worth. Granted, I am a big huge-astic fan of self awareness, and not wasting your time on some schmoe who doesn't see that he's lucky you even notice he exists is pretty important. Yes, but it's also self-obvious.

Who's this book for? What is it saying about the women this oh-so-generous font of information is targeting, or what is it saying about how he perceives women in general? Essentially, he seems to be saying, "Get up off the floor, you pathetic piece of shit. He doesn't like you, now deal with it and stop crying!" And for this massively progressive view of women as wilting slaves to the almighty need to procreate and validate by coupling, he gets a talk show.

Yes, of COURSE this man is an expert on giving women advice. What's his next book I wonder? "Why Don't You Just Tell Him to Stop Hitting You?" or perhaps "A Baby Won't Make Him Stay?"

Have I seen his show? No. Definitively - No. Because even if he wasn't the singularly unqualified author of this massively questionable tome, he looks like a dingleberry. He has questionable facial hair and a haircut that looks suspiciously like the hair of that incredibly irritating guy on Extreme Home Makeover (don't get me started on THAT guy and his fake enthusiasm). He has a spray on tan, and looks like he probably used to drive a Miata before he figured out the perfect way to exploit women by making them feel useless in a way that any encouragement was an improvement. He claims on the commercials that he wants us (meaning women) to think of him as "their big brother." Big Brother indeed. In all reality it's more like that creepy neighbor dude that does naked yoga on his back porch and tries to invite you to swingers parties, spouting off all kinds of hooey about tantric practices and sensitive male bullshit right before he goes out and tosses back a bunch of cheap beers with the bros at the local strip joint and tells them over a lap dance how much tail he tricked into bed with all that bullshit.

This is not a man whose advice I need. And for godsakes it is certainly not one whose huge tanned forehead I need to see on my television. Yuck.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Random Observations

Driving to work today I dusted off my Rockin' With Wanda CD and was kind of bopping along to some good old Wanda Jackson vintage 1960 rockers. And for some reason, it dawns on me... while I should be thinking about how impressive it is that she was running around twangin' her geee-tar and swingin' like Elvis, instead all that crosses my mind is, "When was the last time someone named their kid Wanda?" And I searched and I thought and I mulled and pored over things in my pea brain and couldn't think of one single Wanda I've ever known that wasn't long since a member of the AARP. So, this got me to thinking about other names like that. I recalled my grandmother Ruth and all her sisters - Edie, Alma, Helen, and Judy. My two grandfathers - Norbert and Velmer. My grandmother Helen's brother DeForest and her sister-in-law Marietta. And all sorts of other names. How many Millicents, Francines, Wilheminas, Mildreds, Eunices, Agneses, Constances and Robertas do you know that aren't already keeping Depends adult diapers and Bingo parlors in business? Even Margaret, Barbara, and Eleanor are out of vogue. Only Hispanic tradition remains to keep Dolores and Doris and Isobel from extinction.

All that became of this line of thought was simply this: I hope to all things sacred that this means that one day, too, all these little impish Madisons and Brittanys and Kelsays will live to see that awful, horrid trend of child naming fall into the cracks of oblivion, where another generation of girls named god-knows-what will laugh their asses off at the arcane quality of Great Grandma Madison's name. "Mommy," little girls will say, "Why are there so many old ladies named after a city in Wisconsin? Was Wisconsin more exciting in the old days?" And Moms will shrug their shoulders and say, "I think it had something to do with the fact that people didn't read very much back then, and got most of their world culture from a show called Melrose Place and a group called the Spice Girls." Maybe Eunice will come back into vogue? After all, fashion is circular isn't it? If American Apparel is selling leotards and stirrup pants now, is there anything too horrid to remain unreceycled? Answer: No.

Second observation: You know that show Prison Break? How would you not notice two such pretty guys on the lam? That would be like saying that no one would notice Grace Jones in Amish Country. I've never seen the show myself. But I have seen a community shower at LA County Jail first hand, and if the men's jail is anything like the women's I assure you, people in jail don't look like those two pretty boys. And speaking of horrendous names - what's up with that one actor on that show being named Wentworth Miller. He's lucky he's pretty, because that name sounds like someone who would steal Pee Wee Herman's bike.

Third observation: Dirt tea would taste better than what is passing for coffee in my office. Yet, my burning need for a caffeine fix guarantees that, nevertheless, I will continue to drink it. I suspect a social experiment is being conducted unbeknownst to us.

That is all.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Don't Let the Sun Go Down

Once, in high school, I was waiting for an appointment to get my wisdom teeth extracted, and in the lobby was the obligatory selection of outdated magazines fanned out on the table, smudged by months of grubby fingerprints left by children who have exhausted the find-a-pictures in the Highlights magazines. Well, in all offices - be they dental, medical, lube shops - in Texas, there is a Texas Monthly Magazine. On the cover of this particular edition of this periodical of secessionist sympathy was a picture of a white sheeted hood and, if I remember correctly, a noose hanging from a tree. It was an article on an East Texas town called Vidor - essentially giving the impression that this was that one standout town that films exploit to give travellers the impression that the last fucking place they'd ever want to run out of gas is in the middle of the vast monochromatic humanity of a hinterland Texas state highway.

I read this article with rapt attention about a man named Bill Simpson, a 36 year old African American man who had the misfortunate desire to refuse to leave his government subsidized home when the racial tension shit hit the fan. 11 hours after he finally gave up his hold, the last standout in the neighborhood to give in to the pressure and threats of any of the 5 factions of Ku Klux Klan in the area called in for reinforcement, Bill Simpson was shot on the street by a passing car. And though the "official" ruling stated inner-racial random gang violence, long-silenced witnesses say something entirely different.

I'd long forgotten this article about Vidor and it's politics, but last weekend spent a nice weekend with my family on the Gulf of Mexico in Galveston. Somehow, a strange sign reminded me of the one and only time I'd driven through, or rather OVER, Vidor (as the interstate in the area is purposefully elevated above the city, with only one exit available for access) and noted a bright yellow billboard with red lettering stating, "Vidor, Texas: The only city in the United States where it is legal to rape and beat a woman to death." I had to wonder, at the time, if the sign was a caution or a boast. It stood to reason that it was a caution to passing motorists, and a chastisement of the legal system of the city, but then again, if that were true, why had the sign stood un-violated, un-vandalized for the better part of a decade? Could it be that it was both?

I mentioned this to my father this past weekend, whose family hails from the towns of Orange and Beaumont, close neighbors of the dreaded Vidor, and he illustrated some stories I'd surprisingly not heard before. He told me a tale along one of my favorite subjects "Adventures of Your Grandfather As a Young Man." I never met my dad's dad, who died when my father was still a teenager, after years of travel to Moroccan shipyards, youthful mapping of Louisiana waterways searching for the treasure of the pirate Jean Laffitte, and by all standards making my grandmother a very happy woman who would never remarry. Tales of his travels are always very carefully filed in my mental cabinet as something I'm very proud to be descended from, and Granddad's Vidor episode is no different.

My father says, once his dad told him about one time he'd nearly gotten arrested. In the late 30s, before my father was born, there was no interstate to speak of, and state roadways by necessity travelled directly through towns in thin two lane ribbons. In Vidor, the authorities saw a wonderful opportunity here to increase revenue for the ailing logging town, founded years before by famous Hollywood director King Vidor's grandfather, CS Vidor. Their grand plan was to develop flexible speed limits, where one day the speed limit going through town was 35, the next it would be perhaps 20, or 15, or anything they arbitrarily decided in order to pull over the unfamiliar traveller. Having to drive through Vidor frequently for his job, my granfather had suffered at the hand of Johnny Law quite a few times, paying tickets as if bribing the troll under the bridge for passage. One day, he was making one of his trips through town, and true to form, an officer pulled up, lights flashing behind him, and my grandfather thought recklessly, "Oh heck no, not today buddy!" and he floored it, giving chase up to 20 miles outside of town when the officer finally gave up. Being that cars at this time weren't even equipped with CB technology, he managed to get away with nothing but accelerated adrenaline.

Not so for an acquaintence of his who worked for a fleet of fishermen, to deliver their catches to local fish markets in the area. Having suffered the wrath of Vidor law countless times, and being detained long enough to make several loads of fish go bad while cutting through all the red tape, he decided to take a stand. He employed the help of the fishermen who had also suffered the ruination of their income from these detentions, and loaded the truck with fish that were destined for the garbage. He floored his gas through the city streets, pushing his truck to its maximum speed, sure he would attract the attentions of his favorite police sergeant. Sure enough, he saw flashing lights in his rearview, and gave a bit of a chase, enough to raise the ire of the officer. When he finally slowed to a stop, he spiced his responses to the interrogation with enough salt to earn him a trip to the local jail. His truck was parked outside the courthouse awaiting his release. All the while, the driver continued to protest, as he always had in the past, that his load was sure to go bad, costing him and the fisherman their income. Unsympathetic, the police allowed him to languish in a cell overnight. At dawn's light, he was released on his own recognizance, at which point he threw open the back doors to his truck, letting loose the unmistakeable stench of rotten fish and proceeded to leave town. But not without leaving this steaming, stinking load directly on the courthouse steps.

As the interstate system began construction, it was a unanimous decision that Vidor would not be given limited access from the interstate, and would lose any semblance of authority over traffic that would traverse the town using this roadway. Their entrapment tactics were well known.

Not to mention the fact that in Vidor, well, in Vidor they just flat out didn't like Black people. Veritable runway shows of the latest in white sheet tunics and headwear assured that Vidor would remain the Whitest City in Texas. As late as the 2000 Census, the population of Vidor was listed as being 97.33% White, and only .07% African American.

Vidor was traditionally known as a Sundown Town. There were many such towns located primarily outside of the borders of the South actually(Illinois seems to be a particular breeding ground) between the 1930s and 1960s that were referred to as such because of rules and intimidation tactics summarized by a sign once prominently featured in suburban Hawthorne, California that said very succinctly, "Nigger, Don't Let the Sun Set On YOU in Hawthorne." And Vidor kept this spirit alive and well.

The events leading up to Bill Simpson's suspicious murder were very cut and dry. The county proposed the building of a government housing project in the early 90s in the city limits of Vidor, and this complex was to be entirely desegregated. Residents of Vidor immediately saw this as an invitation to heterogenize their working class, mostly poor city with equally poor minorities. As one of the most active, and flagrant cities in the tight knit world of the KKK organization, the local active chapter called in reinforcements from neighboring towns Louisiana and Arkansas to aid in an effort to intimidate builders and future residents until the plan was quashed. Reports state that a bus was driven through the complex, filled with hooded men and boys brandishig weapons, and a huge white power banner was draped from an overpass stating indisputably the revocation of the town's welcome mat to minorities.

Nonetheless, the housing was completed, and several families moved in. But, as Bill Simpson protected the right to maintain his home, others were unable to withstand the threats of and actual violence that was a constant downpour on their families. And when Mr. Simpson was the last to leave, it seems that the locals were bent on making their message loud and clear. Vidor is a White Town. Don't let the sun go down on you in Vidor.

And the point of this story, is really simply that I am from Texas. But I grew up in a neighborhood that couldn't have been any different than this. My best friends looked like a fucking Benetton ad, and thank goodness for that. Because this shit scares me.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

American Eyedull

WARNING: This is going to be one of those myspace inspired rants that I'm prone to delving into on some of those days when I drink too much/too little coffee.

I have this "friend" on Myspace. And let's say he's kind of one of those Myspace celebrities that everyone seems to know. How he became this is a little unclear to me. He is funny, and at the time when we became "friends" we actually used to exchange quite a few emails. I met him, and we hit it off famously in a disturbingly brotherly/sisterly way if inappropriate discussions about kinky sex practices and good natured boasting about conquests in the manner that is never quite tolerated by my girl friends. I found this kind of thing pretty enjoyable, and he usually made me laugh or gasp incredulously a couple of times a week. Well, he's got this blog that is apparently read religiously by many many many women who, when denied the chance to actually line up and fellate him madly, have settled for fluffing him with endless comments about his brilliance as god's gift to blogging.

My mounting desire to run these women through with some kind of sharp object has led me to question myself. Why am I so angry that these girls are fawning over him? Am I jealous that his blogging is touching the masses? So, I thought long and hard in a typically overanalytical prolonged moment of introspection, and came up with this. No. I'm not jealous, and I don't begrudge him the attention, but I simply want to reach into the computer and take each one of these fangirls by the throat and shake them until they cry. Why? Because as funny as he can be, half of his blog entries lately have been these sickeningly touching rhapsodic sensitive missives about how much he loves his friends. Hell, we're all prone to that. I've done it. But, and this is a big but...I'm a girl. And even though I think he means it, this is essentially akin to going on a date with a guy who refers to God as a "she." Now, really, does this guy A) believe in God at all (if yes, this is already a point against them in my book) and B) honestly think God is a woman, or are they just trying to be "that guy" that says things that try to telegraph, "Oh, I am open-minded and I might even be one of those rare male feminists. I think women are the most wonderful things alive walking the earth and I respect them beyond belief." What he is really saying is, "I am a lying schmuck who thinks that you are so gullible that you would believe this drivel, I have no faith in your intelligence, but I will stop at nothing to get in your pants." Now, this myspace guy is not really that guy, but I think that these girls are the gullible girls who think that he is that guy, believing the former of the intents. In all fairness, this myspace guy can probably get into any girl's pants he wants to, because he is despicably charming whether you like it or not.

But here these girls are saying, "I live to read your blog." "You are the most brilliant wonderful amazing person and writer in the known universe and I would slurp up your semen like a melting Good Humor ice cream bar if only I had the chance!" (Seriously, that is nearly a real quote, cleaned up of course to resemble something literate and coherent).

And here's the kicker. How do I know that these girls need a good pimp slap into reality? Because I've done some research. In my own meticulous investigations of their myspace profiles, I have found most of them to adhere to one of my least favorite types. The faux intellectual. Someone who is probably not a complete functioning retard, but who isn't quite smart enough to recognize their intellectual limitations enough to make sure that no attention is drawn to them. There are the authors they like, and probably have never read (see a previous blog for more rant than you'll ever need on that subject), and very generalized tastes otherwise. But worse, oh far worse, and as offensive to me as a fart in an elevator - they don't even know how to spell things that are supposedly their very favorite things in the universe.

I think it's time for a "for instance" don't you? Let's say you read a profile. In the profile the girl claims to be (direct quote) "very book smart." First of all, something about saying that you are "very book smart" rings a little false. Book smart as opposed to street smart? What exactly is book smart anyway? And if you were, let's say, quite intelligent, couldn't you come up with some way to say so that was a bit more articulate and clever? But, we'll take her word for it for the time being. Until....until....later in the same paragraph she describes her anghst (sic). Typo? Still, benefit of the doubt? Okay. Her favorites...movies by George Ramero (never heard of him, though I hear that George Romero makes some fine moving pictures), and one of her heroes Lauren Ingalls Wilder. I have no doubt in my mind that "Lauren" would be happy to know that all that toiling in little houses on Prairies and in Big Woods have garnered her the undying respect of this young lady who thinks so highly of her that she idolizes her to the point that she isn't even able to spell her name correctly.

Is this a testament to the failing educational standards in our country, or is it a testament to the laziness of the masses who don't appreciate a finely crafted language with words that adhere to certain rules of spelling.? Am I a semantics snob? A grammar geek? A sybarite of syntax? Yes, yes, and yes. So what? In the digital age, where people are connected by the thread of ether between computers, words are more important than ever. How much does this neo-technical world require you to be able to read between the lines of emails to connect with other human beings? How much can you tell about someone based on what they type, how they type it, and what those choices suggest? What does it say when someone can't even be bothered to correctly spell the name of one of their supposed heroes? How passionate can that person be about said idol? And how sincere are they when they list them as such? My experience tells me that if you feel deeply about something, you will be protective of that thing, and make sure that you have everything right. It's not talking about something that you merely like, but something that you say you LOVE. And between the lines, this says that you don't love deeply or sincerely at all.

Psychoanalysis? Who knows, but really what more is there to go on? What of online dating? If you meet someone online, what are your criteria? Mine would be - must be meticulous speller, must be expressive, must be funny, must have well-stated and carefully chosen tastes. And must have accompanying picture that doesn't rely on fuzzy focus, fractured close ups, in your face nudity, or are shot by holding the camera at arms length (what you don't have any friends to take a picture for you?).

So, two words. Spell check. Don't be a lazy fuck.